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To Poly or Not to Poly

April 27, 2015

Well … it’s been nearly five months since I posted anything at all. There are times when life just gets busy, I guess … one day turns into one week, which turns into one month, which turns into five months. Going forward, I am dedicating myself to posting more often. I haven’t even written a new book in months.

What I’d like to touch on a bit today is the idea of getting into a polyamorous relationship. This is something that my husband and I are currently exploring a little, but don’t worry — swinging is still taking place, just not as much.

A polyamorous relationship can be a beautiful, loving thing. In fact, for most polyamorous couples/groups, love is always at its center. It is basically meant for people who want to love multiple partners and be loved by multiple partners. There is obviously sex involved, but there’s more to it than that — at least, there should be.

Whether or not the exploration of a poly relationship is for you, there must be a discussion between both partners. A successful poly relationship takes trust and communication above all else. This includes anyone who you bring into the lifestyle. You must ensure that everyone is on the same page. Exploring with others, for example, is an option with poly “units,” but others discourage this for the sake of safety against STDs and other complications that might arise.

The best case scenario is one where everyone has the same feelings on how the poly lifestyle should work within their “family.” If you have one person who wants to go out and fuck anything with a pulse just because he or she likes the idea of having free reign, or doesn’t want to be left at home sexless on a Friday night, perhaps that person isn’t right for your group.

How many partners are “allowed” should be discussed by the group as a whole or by the persons who start the group or decide to explore a poly relationship with another couple who is already polyamorous. For example, my husband and I have pretty much decided that one extra partner is enough for both of us. Any person who wanted to partner up with us would have to feel the same way. If we were to decide that a third partner for each of us was a desire, then we would have to clear it with all members of our group. We believe that this is the responsible thing to do.

There is also the idea of safety from STDs. Before anyone is allowed to enter our group, we would force them to submit a recent STD test. This is the responsible thing to do. After all, you’re not just protecting yourself and your spouse when you’re involved in a poly relationship. For us, we have decided on everyone getting tested every 4-6 months. That seems like a reasonable timeframe.

So is the polyamorous lifestyle for you? That is really only something you can answer. A big element is the idea of jealousy. Although you can be jealous in certain ways, it is imperative that it doesn’t get out of hand. If your jealousy is affecting your primary relationship or making you resent your partner, then a poly lifestyle may not be healthy for you. In fact, your own toxicity could breed more toxicity if you’re not careful.

Are any of my readers in polyamorous relationships or are thinking about it? If you’re in one, how has it been working for you? What rules have you set? How many partners can each of you have? Do you all have sex together or is each coupling separate? Tell me your stories. 🙂


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